


Hold on Loosely

by mrswinchester67



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brief Violence, Choking, Domestic Violence, F/M, Kinda Dark, PTSD, Reader Insert, bucky just always needs a hug, choking tw, established relationsip, he doesnt know hes doing it really, kinda hopefull, nightmare fic, not a terrible ending tho, pretty good amount of angst, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-06
Updated: 2016-10-06
Packaged: 2018-08-19 20:52:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8224465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrswinchester67/pseuds/mrswinchester67
Summary: Bucky and reader had a wonderful relaxing day. That is, until they go to sleep that night and Bucky is hit with another nightmare from his time under hydra.There is some domestic like violence in here so trigger for that. Read carefully friends!





	

**Author's Note:**

> another fic i though of late at night when i should have been sleeping.

It had been a fairly quiet day at the apartment you shared with Bucky. Just one of those nice lazy days where you didn’t leave the house or change out of pajamas. You woke up and cooked breakfast as Bucky tried his damndest, and mostly succeeding, to distract you with his arms around you as you tried to flip pancakes. Breakfast was unceremoniously eaten on the couch cuddled up in blankets watching the newest episode of the show you two had been binge watching. After that, it was just a lounge day. Cooking together and eating when it was time to, cleaning up afterwards, stealing kisses and running around throwing pillows at each other. Just enjoying each other’s company. It wasn’t often you both had a day completely free to just spend it together with no other obligations, Avenger business or otherwise, so you always took advantage of these special days.

As you got ready for bed, you slipped under the covers and put your phone on the charger. You saw Bucky pull the pony tail holder from his hair as he sat on his side of the bed. His eyes were glossed over, his mind somewhere else as he went through the motions of bedtime. As he methodically put his phone on the charger and set his alarms, he stilled, phone still in his hand as he stared nowhere in particular towards the floor.

You watched him a few seconds while he sat motionless, eyes fixed on nothing.

“Buck?” you say gently. Your voice barely above a whisper.

His eyes stayed in the same spot for a second and then he took a deep breath in as he turned his head to you. His eyes finally losing most of the glossed over look as he gave you a weak smile.

“You okay?” you asked timidly, keeping your voice soft and even.

“Yeah,” he breathed out and his smile became more of a normal one. “I’m fine babe. Just zoned out there for a second I guess.” He smiled reassuringly as he leaned in to give you a kiss.

“Goodnight, doll.” He whispered against your lips as he kissed you and pulled back with a smile.

“Goodnight, baby.” You smiled back, shaking off the odd moment, turned off your lamp and slid down under the covers.

As Bucky turned off his lamp, he slid in behind you and wrapped his arms around you, kissing your neck once more as he settled into the pillow.

It wasn’t long before the quiet room filled with the sound of soft snoring, alternating between the both of you.

 

A few hours later, you were tugged from your sleep by the sound of Bucky mumbling under his breath. His breathing was heavy and his brow drenched in sweat as his head tossed back and forth on the pillow. Another nightmare. You sighed as you rolled over towards him. Poor thing. It had been weeks since his last nightmare. They had been getting better.

“No..no……stop.” he grunted out between breaths through clenched teeth, his hands fisted in the sheets like he was strapped there.

“Buck.” You whispered softly, not wanting to be loud and scare him but loud enough for him to hear.

“Bucky.” You repeated a bit louder as he continued tossing.

“Bucky,” you said at normal volume as you reached out to touch his arm. “Baby you’re having a night-”

Before you could finish your sentence, he’d thrown a leg over you and was hovering over you, his metal hand at your throat pinning you to the bed.

Your hands flew up to his fingers trying to claw your way underneath his grip but it was useless. You kicked your legs around trying to jostle him out of this state as you gasped for air.

“Bu-” you squeaked out, trying still in vain to pry his fingers from your throat.

His face was tilted down to you, his brow drawn together, his mouth in a tight line, but his eyes were still closed. You hit at his chest, trying to wake him up but it was like he didn’t feel it at all. Your vision started clouding at the edges. You could hear your pulse in your ears.

“Bucky.” You wheezed out, but it was quiet. Barely audible even to you.

As your vision darkened, you knew you had to do something. You stretched your arm out to your night stand, you hand flailing to grab anything. Finally you grabbed a hold of a titanium tumbler that was on the edge and you crashed it against his head with what was left of your strength.

He shook his head against the sting as his eyes slowly opened. He looked down at your bloodshot eyes just now fluttering closed and his hand gripped at your throat. He tore his hand from your throat like he’d just touched a hot stove as he looked at it in horror.

You gasped for air at the release of pressure, the air wheezing in through the restricted airway trying to right itself.

“Oh my god…” Bucky said in shock, not moving, still hovering over your body, his left hand fingers still curled like they had been around your throat.

“Fuck,” he said, quickly stepping off the bed and onto the floor, as he stared at you, eyes wide with horror. “I’m… I’m so sorry.” He said as he bolted towards the bathroom door, locking it behind him.

You laid on the bed focusing on breathing as your heart rate started slowing. Each breath came with an ache as you pushed the air in and out of your lungs. You knew your trachea was bruised. Maybe your vocal chords too. You closed your eyes tightly as you felt the sting of tears forming. It wasn’t from the pain. You knew what something like this would do to him.

After you tried sitting up and weren’t dizzy, you swung your legs over the side of the bed and slowly stood up as you made sure you weren’t gonna lose your balance. Your head swam from a few seconds as you stood, letting your equilibrium even out. You saw one a half empty water bottle on your nightstand and took a few sips slowly. As your throat moved around the water you winced. You drank a few more sips and cleared your throat lightly, testing your voice. It was rough. You took a few more sips from your water hoping to sooth it a little.

You walked cautiously, not trusting your balance until you could rest against the door frame to the bathroom.

“Buck…” you rasped out at the door. You shook your head and cleared your throat again.

“just… just stay away.” Bucky said, his voice broken and thick. It echoed oddly like his head was between his knees as he sat.

“Bucky please.” Your eyes closed as you let your forehead rest against the door.

“No, Y/N.” came his strong reply. “You need to stay far, far away from me.”

“Forever.” He added softly, probably thinking you didn’t hear it.

“Please open the door.” You pleaded. You knew he was hurting and It killed you not to be able to be there next to him.

“No. You shouldn’t be anywhere near me. I’ll… I’ll go sleep at Steve’s tonight. I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“But I’m not hurt. I’ll be fine.” Your voice strained against the sore vocal chords as you tried your best to sound normal. You winced against the door.

He didn’t reply.

“Please open the door…”

Still no reply. You couldn’t hear any movement from him either.

“Buck, please. I just need to see if you’re okay.” You heard him rustle around.

“If _I’M_ okay, are you fucking kidding me?” he scoffed kicking his foot out and knocking over the small garbage can.

“Don’t be like that…just... Please let me in.” your hand gently holding the knob, waiting for any movement. You heard him let out a deep sigh through his nose as he stood, the shadow of him darkening the bottom of the door. He hesitated, his hand hovering over the lock on the knob.

“You have to promise not to get too close.” His voice hummed through the door right on the other side from you.

“You know I can’t promise that.” you closed your eyes, praying he’d let you in.

He sighed again and after a few unbearable seconds, you heard the springs in the door clicking as he unlocked it and slowly opened the door, your eyes squinting at the sudden light as it landed on you. He had stepped back a few feet from the door and was leaning over the sink, his face and long hair wet with the water he’d splashed on it as he stared into the mirror. His eyes cut to yours through the mirror as you took a cautious step into the bathroom.

“Jesus…” he said, closing his eyes tightly as he grit his teeth to bite back the bile rising in his throat. His hands gripped the edge of the sink so hard his knuckles were white.

You took a few more slow steps toward him and gently extended your arm to touch him until he flinched away.

“Don’t.” He warned, turning his body away so his back was facing you.

“Don’t because you don’t want me to or because you don’t think I should.” You spoke softly as you stilled your movement.

“It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t be near me.” The words biting as they came out.

“I’m fine, really.” You looked at the back of him hopefully, pretending you didn’t feel the ache and burn with each word you spoke. He glanced at you in the mirror and shook his head, huffing angrily as he stepped away from you more and turned to face you.

“You’re not okay, Y/N, you’re not. Look.” He commanded, nodding his head towards the mirror as he watched you. You looked up at him, knowing what you’d see if you looked in the mirror.

“It’s okay, it’s barely anything.” You tried to sound reassuring as you adamantly refused to look to your right.

“The hell it is! Look at your throat! It’s gonna bruised to shit tomorrow. It’s already turning…” his anger subsided to guilt as his tone lowered.

“Then I’ll wear a scarf!” you threw your hands out by your side trying to think of things to calm him.

He could see his hand print in an angry red mark on your throat. Some of the blood vessels already busted under the skin. He closed his eyes and jerked his head away from his handy work as he crossed his arms.

“So what, it’s a little bruise and it’ll be gone in a few days. It’s nothing. I’m fine.” You said the last words slowly trying to understand. Yeah it hurt a little, but it wasn’t anything that couldn’t be fixed.

You tried to reach out and touch him again and he flinched away, backing up until his back touched the glass shower door. You took a few deliberately slow steps, making eye contact with him with each one so he could see every movement. You reached out your hand and slowly touched his real one, nudging his fingers with your until he let you hold his hand and you stepped closer.

His eyes were rimmed red with earlier tears. You gently reached for his metal hand. He flinched it back at first, but let you hold it gingerly.

He stared at your hand in his metal one as your thumb moved gently over the back of his hand. He squeezed his eyes shut as he grit his teeth, one tear slipping down his cheek as he shook his head lightly.

 You let him have this quiet moment at you looked up at him. He opened his eyes slowly and looked at you after a moment.

“Are you okay?...” he finally said, his voice low and quiet.

“I’ll be fine baby, I promise.” You smiled softly at him and gently let go of his hands to put your arms around his torso, your head resting on his chest. You embraced him for a few seconds before he let his real arm rest around you. The metal one still by his side as he rested his chin on the top of your head and closed his eyes. You rubbed his back lightly until he pulled away.

He lifted his real arm slowly, not trusting his body fully yet, as he pushed you hair out of your face. He winced as his eyes trailed to your neck.

“How bad does it hurt?” his eyes full of guilt as he met your gaze

“It’s really not quite as bad as it looks. Nothing a little ibuprofen and makeup won’t fix.”

Bucky shakes his head as he lets his hand drop. “God…” he paused, looking away from you. “I’m so sorry Y/N. I’m so SO sorry. You know I’d never purposefully lay a hand on you.”

You gently took his face between your hands and stared into his eyes. “Of course, baby. I know that. This isn’t your fault. You can’t help having a nightmare. I know you’d never hurt me.” Your words true as you willed him to believe them.

He nodded somberly as his eyes closed and you dropped your hands. He stared somewhere over your head as he grit his teeth again.

“Come back to bed, love.” You said, grabbing one of his hands and tugging ever so slightly. He shook his head.

“I’ll just sleep on the couch the rest of the night.” He said as he pushed passed you about to walk out until you tightened your grip on his hand and stilled yourself.

“Please don’t.” your voice broke on the words. You couldn’t imagine him sleeping down there alone and not beside you where you both needed him to be. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Most just weren’t this severe. After an incident, it usually took him weeks to trust himself around you again. You could always see the fear in his eyes that he was going to hurt you. Just after enough time had passed and he didn’t look at you like he was going to break you and it was in the back of his mind, it would happen again. But it was getting a lot less frequent.

He closed his eyes, warring with himself against staying.

“I just can’t be that close to you again. Not this soon. What if I have the same dream?” his teeth worried at his bottom lip as he looked at you.

“You won’t.” you said, your eyes pleading.

“We don’t know that.” his resolve was wavering the longer he looked at you. Your eyes rimmed with tears threatening to fall.

“You won’t hurt me.” You choked out, trying not to cry.

“Yeah, well… I have before.” he clenched his jaw as a tear slid down your cheek.

“Baby, please.” you whispered, a few more tears escaping down your face before you could wipe them with the back of your hand.

He closed his eyes trying to hold on to the last of his slipping resolve.

“Please come back to bed.” You whimpered, stepping closer to him, your arms slipping around to his back as you put your cheek against his chest.

“Please…” your voice was muffled against his shirt as you closed your eyes.

He took a deep breath in, causing your head to move with his chest and he exhaled.

“Okay, alright.” He said, defeated.

You lifted your head and stood on your toes to press your lips against his. At first, he just let you kiss him not moving. He then barely moved his lips against yours for a small kiss. You pulled away with a soft smile as you took his hand and stepped the few towards the door until you realized he hadn’t moved.

“You coming?” your brow drawn inward, afraid he was just saying that to placate you and not actually coming back to bed.

“Yeah baby. Just… go lie down and I’ll be there in a bit.” he said turning to lean against the counter. “I just need a minute.”

You looked after him hesitantly but decided he needed a moment alone.

“Okay, but not too long okay? Don’t make me come back in here mister.” You said as you half smiled, trying to cheer the mood a bit.

He looked at you in the mirror with a small smile before looking down again. “Yes ma’am.” He said nodding his head slightly.

You gave him another small smile before walking out into the bedroom. You drank the last few sips of water from the bottle and laid back in bed with a sigh. You turned on your side to face his side of the bed and curled up as you closed your eyes.

You must have dozed off because you felt yourself wake up when his side of the bed dipped with his weight as he slid under the covers. He was about to turn away from you when you stuck your arm out to him and weakly tugged at him.

He hesitated but gave in as he turned facing you. You slotted your legs through his as he put his arms around you gently as he pulled you to him. His lips touched your forehead and lingered in a kiss for a few seconds.

“I’m so sorry baby.” He whispered into your skin as you felt sleep pulling you back under.

“I Love you.” He whispered as he ducked his chin to kiss your lips softly.

You tried to say it back but it just came out as three mumbles as you slipped back into sleep. He huffed a small laugh into your hair and pulled you tighter to his chest. He’d stay awake all night if he had to. He wanted to hold you but didn’t trust himself to sleep just yet. He placed another kiss in your hair.


End file.
